Duane Collie, raconteur extraordinaire, suggested a contest be held to see who could write the most 'interesting' letter to a beleagured Jiffy Lube PR flack who was in charge of a particularly horrible radio commercial. The ad had a gentleman singing off-key loudly and really had no business being aired once, let alone repeatedly. So I composed a couple complaint letters. This is the first.

Dear Cindy,

I understand that you are responsible for the Jiffy Lube 'Swan Lake' ad. My sincere condolences. I can only imagine the number of complaints that you've had to field as a result of this alarming cacophony of discordant caterwauling. Everybody short of Helen Keller herself must have heard it by now and called on you to put a stop to it. Yes, I know Helen is dead, but I am quite certain that if any form of motor control remained in her body she would have picked up a phone and called by now. In fact, I'm surprised that the FCC hasn't yanked it off the air for multiple violations of the Geneva convention. I'm also quite certain that it falls under the jurisdiction of the EPA. Let's face it, your ad flies in the face of God, mankind, mercy and any form of advertising that doesn't involve a car battery and nipple clamps. The strident din is so pervasive that I am actually getting a sore jaw from trying to gnaw my own ears off. I have heard fingernail blackboard concertos with dentist drill accompaniement that not only displayed more well controlled tonality but had better harmony too. 

However Cindy, I must admit that the Swan Lake ad has indeed worked. You have usurped my will and ultimately broken me. If you cease airing this advertisement I promise that I will buy oil changes from Jiffy Lube for every internal combustion engine that I ever own. I'll even throw in any external combustion engines that I may somehow acquire. Hell, I'll even give you the business for any fryolaters that I own. In addition, I'll  get the changes done at half the recommended mileage. A third! A quarter! Everystinkingsingle day! At this point Cindy, I'm ready to confess to war crimes if it will stop that insidious discord. I'm down on my knees here (largely because the bones have been jellified by the horrendous din of that miscreant's singing) please, for the love of God, for the sake of the children, for my eardrums remaining life, for the life of every little old lady that every good deed seeking boy scout ever dragged kicking and screaming across any every busy intersection, take that ad off the air and send it someplace where it cannot be found. 

I'll even accept New Jersey.

Thank you,

Jonathan Porath